Life Story

Nerd

I grew taller,

but not much.

I became deeper,

with some help.

went to schools,

learned from books.

was a nerd...

I still am.

I Remember...

I remeber waking up in agony, screaming at the top of my lungs.

I remember being sent to the corner for being rude and disrespectful. I felt so terrible that I just sat in the corner and cried wishing that I could disappear.

I remember my first break up.

I remember crying myself to sleep because my best friend moved. For all I knew I would never see her again.


I remember the stress of spanish tests.


I remember the day they took my kittens away.

I remember getting my finger stuck in the vacuum cleaner. I wanted my mom to come home and make it all go away. Instead I got firefighters with hack saws that were taller that I was.


I remember warm summer days spent reading books and wishing I had friends to play with.

I remember my coach yelling at me because I wasn't running fast enough. I wasn't jumping high enough. I wasn't working hard enough.

I remember silent dinners where the tension was so thick I could hardly breathe.

I remember my brother squirting invisible ink on my new shirt, I was so mad, I screamed at him. All his friends laughed and I ran.

I remember walking through white corridors, with wide doors. My hand swallowed up in my dads. Tubes and needles hiding this woman that resembled my mother. She called me closer in an all too familiar voice. I backed away.

I remember the day I realized there is purpose in pain.

Journal Publication

 Goodnight

Entry #9

     It's getting late. I can feel it coming. Like the ocean's tide it comes in waves but it never stops. I watch as the tidal wave approaches.  My legs have turned to stone. The power to move has been stolen from me. I know what it will feel like, how the wave will crash over me with the force of an oncoming train. The initial impact will sting, like a slap in the face, it will leave me with a familiar ache that will engulf me completely.

     It feels like there is someone inside me; the devil? His advocate? Some twisted version of myself? I don't know who it is but this voice, this influence, this fear, attacks my soul mercilessly damaging it in unimaginable ways. It bombards me with images. They are potent and relentless. They scream inside my mind. "You aren't good enough. You never were. You never will be."

Dialogue

1-I'm glad you came. I was worried that you wouldn't show.
2-I think we need to get something straight right off the bat. This, me meeting you here, doesn't mean that I trust you.
1-What does it mean?
2-It means I'm giving you second chance.
1- I know I don't deserve that chance but thank you for giving it anyway.
2- Yeah well don't go expecting much more.
1- I won't. I just want to get to know you. Maybe if all goes well you would be willing to meet me here again?
2- Maybe.
1- Well I don't want to waste any amount of time that we have together. So tell me about yourself, Alex.
2- What do you want to know?
1- So your what 16 now? What grade are you in?
2- Yeah I'm 16. I'm a Junior at West Valley High.
1- I remember my days there. Do you like it?
2- As much as anybody likes school, I guess.
1- Ha ha. Yeah, you've got a point there.
2- Where do you live now, Richard?
1- I live in Fresno.
2- Do you have a job?
1- Yeah I'm a sales represenetive for AT&T.
2- How long have you had that job?
1-  A while.
2- So you are holding down a steady job now?
1- Yeah... I can hold a steady job.
2- So you HAVE been holding one?
1- I don't want to lie to you... I also didn't want to get into this today... I'm still struggling with my addictions but please don't just write me off I'm trying so hard!
2- Drugs or Alcohol?
1- No more drugs I have been clean of those for 3 years now. I got into a rehab program that helped me a ton with that but about 6 months ago I picked up the bottle again.
2- I don't know how you can expect me to feel safe around you, to trust you, or to be around you when you aren't fully in control of yourself. I'm sorry dad, but I can't continue this until you are sober.