My dearest sister Paula,
You haven't been gone long but I miss you all the same. Sometimes it was hard living in such tight quarters but it was still great to have you so close. I miss your little boys. It is wierd for me to call them yours, even though they are your children. I guess I just always think of them as mine; my nephews.
I wish you were still here. I guess that is a selfish desire. You have a lot of great opportunities in California. I know it is really important to you and your husband to be self sufficient. I understand that, all the same, I pray every night that you will come back here someday soon. I want to be a part of your life and not just over the phone or throught emails.
I am really gunna miss our girls nights out and trading good books with you. I guess I won't be close enough to babysit for you anymore either. I won't be able to help you around the house or take little Zander to church. I wish that I could.
Thankfully, there is someone else that wants to help you just as much, no, even more, than I do. He is amazing. He moves with you where ever you go and has the power and strength to help you more than I ever could. He watches over your childred all the time. He teaches them important lessons and He gave you and your kids several amazing books they teach life lessons that help me everyday. (He gave the book to me too) He is absolutely perfect and loves you unconditionaly.
He has done many things for you already. He helped you find your job. He gave you sterngth on all those hard days when your kids were disobedient and your patience was running low. He healed you when you were sp violently sick last week. He helped you get packed before the moving van came. He healed dad after that horrible heart attack. These are just a few of the thousands of things that he has done for you.
He has the most beautiful mansions, very far away from here. He has incredible connections and influence all over. He is as rich as they come and guess what? He loves you so much that He wants to give it all to you! Everything he has. All of it; Because you are His child. Yes, He is our father in heaven and he loves us so much that he would give us his mansions in heaven.
If there was one thing that I could give you it would be a stronger relationship with your heavenly father. But that isn't a gift I am capable of giving. I can't force you to pray and ask for his help. I can't make you read the scriptures. I can't drag you to church. So I guess the only thing I can do for you is pray.
So I will. I will pray that you will remember that He loves you I will pray that you will think of Him on hard days when you don't know where to turn. I will pray that He will give you a little extra patience with the kids when they are disobedient. I will pray that you will read the scriptures that He gave you and that you will learn from them like I have. I will pray that you will remember where you want to be after this life is over and I will pray with all my heart that you will make the choices that will bring you true happiness, the joy that only God can give. Most importantly I will pray with all my heart that we can all be together in heaven after we leave this world.
Your sister,
Ella
Treatment
14 years ago
Well, I think this piece belongs in a religious book. I am not terribly found of religious work so I probably am not the best person to be commenting on your work. I just wasn't that impressed. She only moved away, you made it seem like she is dead but then you say she is in California and it just seems cliche. I really liked how you wrote it in letter form. It is a swell idea. I just don't think alot of people would agree with the gift because not everyone believes in there being a force outside of the walls of the earth.
ReplyDeleteWhat I read: You're speaking in the first person to your sister, who has gone somewhere else. You're longing for peace, and you're expressing your sadness for her departure.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think you're doing: It sounds like you're trying to persuade your sister into coming back. I'm guessing that your gift is peace?
Suggestions: The writing itself is good, but there were some parts were I became lost. My main problem was understanding what happened to your sister - did she go somewhere else, or did she die? Why are they making YOU take care of her kids? Maybe you could go into detail as to what actually happened...
I really enjoyed the letter format, that is very cool!
ReplyDeleteIts nice that you were able to focus on religion but, to be honest, I thought you focused on it a little to much. I agree with Norma Jean, it did seem cliche. It kind of felt like you were trying to shove religion down the reader's throat instead of nicely handing the reader it as a gift. Is giving the gift of religion really a gift?
Maybe you could try like the gift of safety, or peace, or hope or something. That way you could still include thoughts on religion and God and such, but it wouldn't seem as forced.
Also, I felt that when you used the lines, "...that isn't a gift I'm capable of giving...I can't force you to pray...I can't force you to read the scriptures..."
Those kind of detracted from the main idea I felt. Especially when you said I'm not capable of giving this gift. Isn't the main idea of this contest to give a gift? That is another reason I think the gift of hope, peace, safety, etc. would be a better idea than religion or God
I noticed a few gramatical errors. When you're talking about our Father in Heaven, and you have words like "He, Him, His", make sure that you're capitalizing all of those. Because you'll capitalize some, and then others not.
ReplyDeleteMy spirituality is something I hold dear in my life because I know God is in complete control, just like you do. I can also relate to what Norma Jean said about the moving verses dying aspect. Perhaps clear that up somehow. :)
I admire you're willingness to post this on the blog. I enjoyed this piece.
Andy Roddick
I am not deep so I had a hard time getting through this. I noticed religion which is good(most people avoid writing about it).
ReplyDeleteI think you were trying to access the deeper emotions of the people reading this.
I don't know if you can do it on the blog but if you italicised some parts of it it could look cool and add emphasis to certain parts.
your idea of putting it in a letter format was interesting. you took a risk. it didnt really seem like you were writing a essay about a gift though. you go on and on about her family and everything and then all of a sudden at the end you put something in it about a gift. i get what you were trying to do, show that you need religion in your life. but maybe you can express that better throughout the piece.
ReplyDeleteAS ifff!!!
ReplyDelete