Hey Paula!

How is your new job going? After being a stay at home mom for so long it must be hard to go back to work. At least you love what you do. That should make it easier to get used to. So how is the house hunt going? Found anything good yet? Houses are a ton more expensive in California aren't they?  We miss you back here in Utah. The other day I almost called you to invite you to have Sunday dinner with us. Yeah I don't think you would have been able to make it.

You are such a great sister, Paula. It's no wonder I miss you so much. You have always been there for me. From those hard times before I got my depression under control, to my first break up I always new I could call on you for help. Just knowing that made me feel so much better. It still does. I can still ask for your help and I can still call you if I ever need someone to talk to and  knowing that makes me feel... like I have a lifeline. Because I know that you love me.

Paula I want you to always remeber that I will always be there for you like you have been there for me. You can call me in the middle of the night if you need to rant and you can come visit anytime. You can take my room I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor. Paula I don't know what this life will bring either of us. I'm no fortune teller I have no clue what kind of challenges or changes will present themselves. I do know that I will always love you and that if you will just ask I will be there.
 I love you.
Your sister,
Ella 

The Rough Draft... dum dum dum!

My dearest sister Paula,

     You haven't been gone long but I miss you all the same. Sometimes it was hard living in such tight quarters but it was still great to have you so close. I miss your little boys. It is wierd for me to call them yours, even though they are your children. I guess I just always think of them as mine; my nephews.
     I wish you were still here. I guess that is a selfish desire. You have a lot of great opportunities in California. I know it is really important to you and your husband to be self sufficient. I understand that, all the same, I pray every night that you will come back here someday soon. I want to be a part of your life and not just over the phone or throught emails.
     I am really gunna miss our girls nights out and trading good books with you. I guess I won't be close enough to babysit for you anymore either. I won't be able to help you around the house or take little Zander to church. I wish that I could.  
     Thankfully, there is someone else that wants to help you just as much, no, even more, than I do. He is amazing. He moves with you where ever you go and has the power and strength to help you more than I ever could. He watches over your childred all the time. He teaches them important lessons and He gave you and your kids several amazing books they teach life lessons that help me everyday. (He gave the book to me too)  He is absolutely perfect and loves you unconditionaly.
     He has done many things for you already. He helped you find your job. He gave you sterngth on all those hard days when your kids were disobedient and your patience was running low. He healed you when you were sp violently sick last week. He helped you get packed before the moving van came. He healed dad after that horrible heart attack. These are just a few of the thousands of things that he has done for you.
    He has the most beautiful mansions, very far away from here. He has incredible connections and influence all over. He is as rich as they come and guess what? He loves you so much that He wants to give it all to you! Everything he has. All of it; Because you are His child. Yes, He is our father in heaven and he loves us so much that he would give us his mansions in heaven.
     If there was one thing that I could give you it would be a stronger relationship with your heavenly father. But that isn't a gift I am capable of giving. I can't force you to pray and ask for his help. I can't make you read the scriptures. I can't drag you to church. So I guess the only thing I can do for you is pray.
     So I will. I will pray that you will remember that He loves you I will pray that you will think of Him on hard days when you don't know where to turn. I will pray that He will give you a little extra patience with the kids when they are disobedient. I will pray that you will read the scriptures that He gave you and that you will learn from them like I have. I will pray that you will remember where you want to be after this life is over and I will pray with all my heart that you will make the choices that will bring you true happiness, the joy that only God can give. Most importantly I will pray with all my heart that we can all be together in heaven after we leave this world.

Your sister,
Ella

Love peom?...

The Boy in Car

Small arms with big hands
wrap around my neck.
leaving for far away lands
I lean in and give him a peck

I hope he knows,

from the books I read him,
from days spent at play,
from band-aids over crimson,
from the hugs given day after day.

Even if,
I left the impression intended,
Even if,
He knows that I care,
Even if,
The mistakes have been mended,
Even if,
I was always fair,

Will the pain of watching him go,
ever go away?

Will he even remember?


Will I have made a difference?

Life Story

Nerd

I grew taller,

but not much.

I became deeper,

with some help.

went to schools,

learned from books.

was a nerd...

I still am.

I Remember...

I remeber waking up in agony, screaming at the top of my lungs.

I remember being sent to the corner for being rude and disrespectful. I felt so terrible that I just sat in the corner and cried wishing that I could disappear.

I remember my first break up.

I remember crying myself to sleep because my best friend moved. For all I knew I would never see her again.


I remember the stress of spanish tests.


I remember the day they took my kittens away.

I remember getting my finger stuck in the vacuum cleaner. I wanted my mom to come home and make it all go away. Instead I got firefighters with hack saws that were taller that I was.


I remember warm summer days spent reading books and wishing I had friends to play with.

I remember my coach yelling at me because I wasn't running fast enough. I wasn't jumping high enough. I wasn't working hard enough.

I remember silent dinners where the tension was so thick I could hardly breathe.

I remember my brother squirting invisible ink on my new shirt, I was so mad, I screamed at him. All his friends laughed and I ran.

I remember walking through white corridors, with wide doors. My hand swallowed up in my dads. Tubes and needles hiding this woman that resembled my mother. She called me closer in an all too familiar voice. I backed away.

I remember the day I realized there is purpose in pain.

Journal Publication

 Goodnight

Entry #9

     It's getting late. I can feel it coming. Like the ocean's tide it comes in waves but it never stops. I watch as the tidal wave approaches.  My legs have turned to stone. The power to move has been stolen from me. I know what it will feel like, how the wave will crash over me with the force of an oncoming train. The initial impact will sting, like a slap in the face, it will leave me with a familiar ache that will engulf me completely.

     It feels like there is someone inside me; the devil? His advocate? Some twisted version of myself? I don't know who it is but this voice, this influence, this fear, attacks my soul mercilessly damaging it in unimaginable ways. It bombards me with images. They are potent and relentless. They scream inside my mind. "You aren't good enough. You never were. You never will be."

Dialogue

1-I'm glad you came. I was worried that you wouldn't show.
2-I think we need to get something straight right off the bat. This, me meeting you here, doesn't mean that I trust you.
1-What does it mean?
2-It means I'm giving you second chance.
1- I know I don't deserve that chance but thank you for giving it anyway.
2- Yeah well don't go expecting much more.
1- I won't. I just want to get to know you. Maybe if all goes well you would be willing to meet me here again?
2- Maybe.
1- Well I don't want to waste any amount of time that we have together. So tell me about yourself, Alex.
2- What do you want to know?
1- So your what 16 now? What grade are you in?
2- Yeah I'm 16. I'm a Junior at West Valley High.
1- I remember my days there. Do you like it?
2- As much as anybody likes school, I guess.
1- Ha ha. Yeah, you've got a point there.
2- Where do you live now, Richard?
1- I live in Fresno.
2- Do you have a job?
1- Yeah I'm a sales represenetive for AT&T.
2- How long have you had that job?
1-  A while.
2- So you are holding down a steady job now?
1- Yeah... I can hold a steady job.
2- So you HAVE been holding one?
1- I don't want to lie to you... I also didn't want to get into this today... I'm still struggling with my addictions but please don't just write me off I'm trying so hard!
2- Drugs or Alcohol?
1- No more drugs I have been clean of those for 3 years now. I got into a rehab program that helped me a ton with that but about 6 months ago I picked up the bottle again.
2- I don't know how you can expect me to feel safe around you, to trust you, or to be around you when you aren't fully in control of yourself. I'm sorry dad, but I can't continue this until you are sober.